Published in The Sault Star May 31, 2022
It’s been said that growing up is the process of learning that things we were taught in our childhood are not true.
OK, as far as I know it’s just me who said that.
Maybe I’m lying to you, just like your parents and your Grade 2 teacher. But I think there’s some truth to it.
Especially when I encounter a robin.
In my childhood robins were exalted by the adults in my life.
Teachers declared it the first bird of spring. We kids would pay homage to that supposed harbinger by colouring line-drawings of robins ripping gyrating worms from the newly thawed ground. Children fought over the red and orange Crayolas every April.
We were urged to sing along to When the Red, Red Robin (Comes Bob, Bob, Bobbin’ Along), a bouncy ditty from the 1920s that became an earworm in the 1950s because of several pop pop poppin’ singers.
Our nursery rhyme books included some variation of this: “Little Robin red breast/ sitting on a pole/ nidde, noddle went his head/ and wag went his tail.”
(We were blissfully unaware that the crappy rhyming of “pole” and “tail” was due to adult censorship of this original last line: “And poop went his hole.”)
Mother Goose depicted Little Robin Redbreast as a clever thing, repeatedly eluding a hungry pussycat. In real life the smart money is on the cat.
Later, Canadian folksinger Raffi tried to sell my children’s generation on the nobility of robins with his song Robin in the Rain, depicting a “saucy fellow” with “nimble feet” and a “long strong beak.”
Lies. All of it lies. Except for the poop part.
Raffi said his robin didn’t mind the rain. I say it was too stupid to come out of it.
Because robins are the most dense of avians.
Some birds are reasonably smart, capable of avoiding predators and remembering where they hid seeds (except for the senior citizen birds, of course, who can’t even remember why they came to the bird-feeder).
Scientists have spent a lot of time lately trying to prove birds are more intelligent than we give them credit for. One National Geographic article informs me they are celebrated as “feathered apes.”
But those scientists study avian species such as crows and cockatoos; no one wants the frustration of trying to teach a robin to fly a maze.
Calling a robin “bird-brained” is like calling Donald Trump “boorish”: it insults all of those who could legitimately lay claim to the title.
Robins I’ve encountered in my adult life have demonstrated their utter stupidity time and time again during nest-building season.
A pair of them are doing it right now.
They’re trying to build a nest atop my smart meter. Or rather, Algoma Power’s smart meter.
I’d have to say that very small metal shelf is an incredibly poor spot for a nest, especially when there is an upmarket subdivision of lovely trees just a stone’s throw away.
Location, location, location, robins.
The building site is right beside my kitchen door. I don’t want to be dive-bombed by protective prospective parents when I’m bringing in the groceries.
Besides, it costs me enough for electricity without another home tapping into my power.
So I have made it demonstrably clear that robin nests are not welcome atop that smart meter. I scrape off their twigs and grass and mud and their vomit and poop at least twice a day.
Then I shake my fist at the now-homeless birds perched on my power line, whose song is far more scolding than sweet.
I’ve removed more than a quart basket of nest-building supplies from that meter in the past week or so. If I took a day off from demolition duty I’m confident there’d be a substandard nest there and a couple of demented birds trying to smash into my head.
But it is a step up, or a few feet down, from their even-stupider first choice — the edge of the steel roof immediately above the smart meter.
When their sticks and grass and binding materials slid off and landed on the meter, I suspect it was a eureka moment in their tiny minds.
Every year robins try to build nests in idiotic places. Usually it’s atop sentry lights on my house or garage. My property is not zoned for an avian airport, so I push down or hose down their shacks again and again and again.
At a camp at which I used to spend summers, robins habitually built their nest on a waist-high window ledge of the outhouse. Apparently they were attracted by the stupidity of an outhouse with a waist-high window.
Each year children would thrill to having a window seat on nesting robins (it was a great toilet-training incentive), then sob to see little blue eggshell pieces littering the ledge like crumbs on a predator’s plate.
After bearing witness to robins’ procreational inadequacies for so much of my life, I can only wonder this:
If there really is a Darwin, why does the robin species still survive?