Candy May Be Dandy, But Books Won’t Rot Your Teeth

Will it be the same old same-old for you this Valentine’s Day?

The sweet sugar rush followed by the diabetic mini-coma of chocolates?

The passing fancy of overpriced petals, wilting faster than a disappointed woman’s ardor?

Portrait of the author as a young madman

There’s always wine. But there’s always wine. For some, it’s one of the food groups, part of an unbalanced diet. So nothing about shiraz or sauvignon or chardonnay or even sin-fandel says special occasion on Valentine’s Day.

Lingerie might make the moment memorable, though most men look butt-ugly in black satin.

Why not pair some fancy flimsies with Sex is a Four-Letter Word and Other Misconceptions, the new book by award-winning columnist Tom Mills?

What could make for a more monumental Valentine’s Day than exploring the secrets to simultaneous choregasm with your sweetie? Or even with someone you just met, for that matter?

Learn how to make the earth move with the sex diet. On the sex diet, an hour later you’re either hungry again or horny again.

Discover the male version of an ideal Valentine’s Day and why it remains as elusive as the G-spot.

Find out why grocery store produce sections or hardware store tool aisles are the best places for singles to meet their match.

Sex is a Four-Letter Word and Other Misconceptions is not just a sex manual.

Not even.

It’s a humour book, a collection of Mills’s best-loved and least-despised columns, updated to bring the two of you pleasure as you peruse them together in the altogether over that second bottle of wine.

Mills’s humour columns have appeared in newspapers across Ontario, possibly the one you stopped subscribing to so you could be unencumbered by any facts when seeking “the truth” on social media.

As we all know, or at least those of us who flunked out of med school, the way to a woman’s heart is through her funny bone. Who needs a GPS?

Indeed, as Mills points out in one blatantly self-serving column, scientists have proven again and again that a woman with a partner possessed of a good sense of humour enjoys a more satisfying sex life. (More satisfying than what? Only the scientists know?)

Despite the book’s title and the Renaissance-era depiction of Adam and Even and at least one serpent on the cover, Sex is a Four-Letter Word and Other Misconceptions is not just about male-female relationships.

Yes, you’ll explode with paroxysms of laughter, probably sooner than you expected, while reading the chapter titled Men Are From Mars: Some Women Wish They Had Stayed There.

Then you can cool your jets with columns on travel, trends, nature, health, aging and grandparenting.

Join Mills on his ship of fools and discover why he came out as a straight grandfather during a Caribbean cruise and punched a donkey on a Greek island paradise.

Benefit from his tips on grandfathering, such as feeding the kids a steady diet of cheese slices and chocolate and delaying diaper changes until the smell overwhelms the air freshener.

Learn how to appear to be working while tanning on your dock; why the superhero pantheon should embrace seniors such as Hot Flash and Flatulenceman; how many beers provide the recommended daily dose of fibre; what Shakespeare must have been smoking.

All that for just $15 (plus $8 shipping and handling). Or $12 US plus $5 shipping and handling, a special deal for our American friends.

At that price, if this book doesn’t heat things up in the boudoir you can chuck it in the woodstove and heat the whole house. Try doing that with an e-book.

Will reading Sex is a Four-Letter Word and Other Misconceptions put the two of you (or however many of you there are) in the mood for making whoopie (or Whoopi, if that’s what turns you on)?

Well it couldn’t be less arousing than reading about Donald Trump or how to improve your diet by foraging in dumpsters.

And each column takes less time to read than it takes at least one of you to reach fulfilment, if you read it really fast.

Sex is a Four-Letter Word and Other Misconceptions can be purchased through Mills’s website humourmetom.ca or by contacting him by email at hathcharm@gmail.com. It’s also available at select retail outlets listed on the website.

If you find you’re still laughing four hours after reading the book, contact a doctor. A doctor of psychiatry would do nicely.

 

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