The Tragic Tale of Fred the Fish

 

This story is about a friendship between a man and a fish. Nothing weird about that, right? Our story doesn’t have a happy ending, but I’ll spare you that — for now.

I love to fish, but only for sport. You won’t find a trophy trout on my wall, not even a fur-bearing one or Big Mouth Milly Bass singing Take Me to the River. Catch and release, that’s me.

On a sunny day you’ll find me hiking to a nearby lake, plunking a piece of worm on a hook, casting out and then leaning back against a tree until my daydreams are disrupted by a bobber living up to its name.

One day I forgot the worms. For lack of any better substitute, I cut off a small chunk of hot sausage from my lunch pack, attached it to the hook and let fly.

And the fish went bananas, attacking that bait like their lives were at splake. Captivated by cacciatore. Who would guess Italian sausage would drive fish wild, even in a lake near Sault Ste. Marie? 

Next trip I remembered the worms. But the bobber seemed to be on a union-mandated break all morning.

Then at lunchtime, when I dug into my pack, something very strange happened.

There was a splash at the shoreline. A fair-sized fish flopped onto the grassy bank and flipped up the slope to my feet.

It glanced sideways at the sausage, clearly coveting my cacciatore. So I carved off a tiny chunk and flipped it into the air.

Flexing its caudal fin it leapt and snapped up the spicy morsel. Then, mustering the closest a fish can come to a satisfied smile, it waddled back to the lake like a glutton departing the Mandarin on all-you-can-eat-crab-legs night.

In days to come there were encores to this fishy performance. I could almost fillet, er feel it, that moment when he’d leave the lake behind and take a lunge for my lunch.

Then one day as I headed homeward I heard a noise. The fish was flopping along the trail behind me. 

I slid the patio door shut behind me, but that fish flapped its tale noisily against the glass. Curious, I let it in. It headed straight for the toilet, jumped in and swam around in circles.

As the days went by, Fred (I named him that), spent less and less time in water, somehow developing an amphibious ability to survive mostly on air. Eventually he never had to go near water, except to wash down his cacciatore at mealtime.

Sounds bass-ackwards, but it’s true.

And he became not just any run-of-the-mill Fred the Fish but a true friend and companion.

Fred might have been a fish out of water but he soon got in the swim of human ways.

At night we’d play cards. Go Fish was his favourite.

We’d read books together. We started with One Fish Two Fish Whitefish Blue Fish. But Fred caught on quickly and before long he was deep into The Old Man and the Sea, Trout Fishing in America, Moby Dick and everything by Salman Rushdie.

We celebrated his birthday February 28, which made him a pisces.

Fred and I would watch Extreme Fishing together and he would cheer for the fish.

His favourite hockey team was the Sharks, favourite football team the Dolphins, favourite baseball team the Marlins.

We’d have a beer or two while watching the games. But it’s a good thing Fred couldn’t master the twist top or pull tab (had didn’t have prehensile thumbs, or any thumbs at all for that matter) because he drank like a fish.

Sometimes when he was in his cups, literally, Fred would tell me long and often tedious fish tales about his school days in the pond.

It was survival of the fittest of the fishiest, to hear him tell it, a fish-eat-fish underwater world. Throw in fish-eating birds and its a wonder there were any survivors to snap at a worm.

But Fred’s nemesis in the kingdom of Neptune was a certain invasive species, a rosy coloured guy with a big mouth that was native to Russia. This alien was always trying to hack into poor Fred. Perhaps that accentuated his impulse toward accelerated evolution.

Still, I hadn’t lost my love of fishing, or lying in the sun pretending to fish. So Fred would accompany me, flopping along the path, then perching beside me and cheering for an inactive bobber. Sometimes he’d even take a dip and hook up with his old buddies.

Perhaps I should have seen tragedy lurking in the weeds. (Perhaps, clever reader that you are, you already have.)

One day when I was heading home with an empty creel and Fred flipping and flopping at my heels, I heard a sound that chilled me to the fishbone.

_________________

Think you can guess how The Tragic Tale of Fred the Fish ends?

Email me your answers at hathcharm@gmail.com and you might reel in a free copy of Sex is a Four-Letter Word and Other Misconceptions, a collection of my humour columns. I’ll give one to the first person who comes up with the correct ending. Deadline 12:01 a.m. Saturday, Aug. 11, 2018.

If you’re hooked and just have to find out what happened to Fred, meet me at the Roberta Bondar Pavilion Saturday, Aug. 11, from 3:30-5 p.m.,where I’ll hand out the fin-ale.

I’m one of nine featured authors at the Northern Ontario Book Fair, which is being held in Sault Ste. Marie this summer in conjunction with the Fringe North International Theatre Festival.

Fringe North and the Arts Council of Algoma have put together a great bundle of events from Aug. 9-19, with theatre, music, art, kids stuff, buskers and sometimes beer. Find out more at fringenorth.ca or ssmarts.org.

The book fair gives literary lights a chance to shine. From Aug. 10-12 it will sell books by Northern Ontario authors at the Bondar Pavilion.

And nine lucky authors are on tap for an hour-and-a-half each to sign books and meet readers.

As well as me (the lone Aweres Township representative), there’s the Sault’s Nevin Buconjic, Jennifer Barone, Emma L.R. Hogg and Darren Edmond, Batchewana First Nation’s J.M. Cleminson, Richards Landing native Kirsten Wreggit, Elliot Lake’s Patricia C. Lee and Timmins’s J.L. Fizzell.

Join us, please.

More details at silverleafwriters.com.

Could I Have Flunked Kindergarten?

These reflections on Kindergarten graduation ceremonies have been published in the June 29 Sault Star. http://www.saultstar.com/2018/06/28/could-i-have-flunked-kindergarten

I went to a kindergarten graduation, starring a couple of special grandkids, the other day and came home with mixed feelings.
No, my qualms weren’t because people in my age cohort are supposed to cut back on sugar and the kids’ graduation was about the sweetest thing anyone could imagine.

Getting down and dignified at the grad with William (Wilhelm) and his big brother Cameron, both bad influences on their grandfather.

I think my uneasiness arose because I can’t remember graduating from Kindergarten myself.
Now, you might suspect this is one of a gigantic pile of things, growing faster than a giant hogweed plant, that I have trouble remembering, afflicted as I am with oldtimer syndrome.
But those of us whose first item on every day’s To Do list should be “spend 20 minutes looking for To Do list” usually have no trouble recalling events from our distant childhoods.
We’ll come up with an idealized version of what really happened, because the passage of time acts like a game of broken telephone on the truth.
But those memories belong to us, so we should be allowed to take whatever liberties with them that we desire. After all, who wants to look back on a crappy childhood?
Still, since I can’t recall graduating from kindergarten, could it be that I didn’t?
Should I imagine myself in the lead role of a cheesy 1980s movie about a grown man forced to sit in a tiny desk for a year because his educational and employment credentials are invalidated by lack of a kindergarten diploma?
Will I finally have to learn to share my crayons?
I don’t think they ever expelled kids at the kindergarten level. But it’s certainly possible that I was invited not to return.
If I were a teacher assigned to teach the same grade next year, the last thing I’d do is recommend a trouble-maker repeat it.
And I dimly recall leading a sit-down strike against the inclusion of tomato juice as one of three daily beverage selections, not to mention a lie-down strike against compulsory napping.
So my teacher (only one and no assistants, in those days) probably fabricated as much evidence of solid progress as she needed to inflict me on her colleague in Grade 1.
Actually, I think the real reason I can’t remember kindergarten graduation is that there was no such thing in those long-ago times when dinosaurs roamed the Jurassic playground.
Instead of donning a mortar board and being handed a ribbon-bound diploma to the applause of faculty and family, we tremulous tots took home final report cards that told our parents if we had a seat in the Grade 1 come September.
Kindergarten was just another grade. We weren’t leaving the school. No fuss would be made until 10 or 11 or 12 years later when we graduated from Grade 8.
A part of me thinks making a big deal of kindergarten graduation is akin to giving every child a whole boxful of trophies just for existing.
In that validation movement, adults imagine there are no winners or losers, even though by Grade 3 or so every child knows exactly who won and who lost every competition of any sort. And anyone silly enough to swallow the everyone’s-a-winner bunk grows up grossly unprepared for the real world.
We had our own version of everyone-gets-a-trophy when I was a kid. It was no-one-gets-a-trophy.
You might win a city championship, a provincial championship, a national championship, but you wouldn’t get a trophy. Your team might get one, but they’d have to give it back after a year.
If you did really well and got really lucky you might get a cheap felt crest to be sewn onto your jacket. More likely you’d be handed a cheap felt chevron with “hockey” or “baseball” or “bowling” on it, to be sewn on to the sleeve of your jacket.
No one who placed second or worse ever got anything more than a hurried mention over the school PA system the next morning.
Kids who just couldn’t amass enough chevrons in real life joined the cubs, scouts, brownies or guides, where you could get a patch just by burning a few marshmallows.
Still, despite my curmudgeonly instincts, I sort of like the idea of a kindergarten graduation ceremony.
For most of the kids, it’s probably the first time they’ll appear on a stage before a large group of strangers. That’s good experience.
But not too much is expected of them: just hear their names called, walk a few steps to receive a diploma and return to their seats. And all of them equally share the limelight and whatever stage fright there might be.
All the kids have to do, really, is show up and not wet their pants.
There were “awwws” and guffaws from the adults as teachers recited what each child liked to do best at school and at home and what each wanted to do when his or her long educational journey is complete.
The police and fire services will have to go on a massive hiring binge a few decades from now if even half of those tots follow through on their occupational choices and their desire to help others.
But there will be dancers, Toronto Maple Leafs, a princess, a fairy, a mother and even (god help her) a writer as well, if kindergartener’s dreams come true.
For adults, the graduation ceremony is a welcome reminder of the innocence and idealism we all possessed when we were five or six.
The soon-to-be-Grade-One-ers might have glory in the present and look expectantly toward the future. But the adults in the crowd also have the pleasure of revisiting the past.